Effort, Impact, and Household Equity

For years, I’ve been talking about weaponized incompetence—how it undermines equitable relationships and adds an unfair burden to one partner in a household. But I feel it’s worth emphasizing: I am far from perfect.

There’s a high chance if you asked me my kid’s classroom number, I’d get it wrong. On occasion, I’ve misremembered my kid’s birthdate. I’ve shrunk clothes, forgotten recipe ingredients, and missed teacher emails. These aren’t moments of carelessness or malice, but they are moments that matter.

The real issue with weaponized incompetence isn’t about dropping the ball—it’s about effort and consideration. It’s about the attempts we make to take responsibility and the ways we address our impact on others.

Curiosity Over Defensiveness

When I notice myself struggling with certain responsibilities, I try to approach the situation with curiosity instead of defensiveness. It’s not easy to admit when you’re falling short, but it’s crucial if you want to create change and avoid putting unnecessary strain on others.

Here are some questions I’ve learned to ask myself:

• What is the outcome I’m looking for when I attempt this task?

• What would it look like for this task to be completed sufficiently?

• What needs are attached to the task?

• Are my goals realistic?

• Are my goals aligned with my values?

And then I dig a little deeper:

• What are the impacts of how this task is done?

• What conditions exist when I AM successful at this task?

• What barriers are in the way of my success?

• Am I expecting others to accommodate me without acknowledging it?

• Are there any tools I’ve used to be successful at similar tasks in other settings?

• Are there adjustments or supports I could make to the task to better meet the needs of all involved?

By approaching my shortcomings with curiosity, I can identify not only what went wrong but also how to do better next time.

Let’s Break the Win-or-Lose Mindset

Too often, we approach household systems with a win-or-lose mindset. We compete over how things should be done or compare ourselves to others beyond our four walls. This dynamic is counterproductive—it prevents us from working together to meet everyone’s needs.

The key is identifying the needs attached to each task, asking questions about our unique strengths and challenges, and creatively approaching how we do things. When we focus on collaboration instead of competition, everyone benefits.

What This Looks Like in Practice

Here are some examples of how I navigate my own challenges and play to my strengths:

• Numbers and Dates
  I’ve always been bad with numbers—it’s just how my brain works. I don’t forget dates or digits out of carelessness; they simply don’t stick. But that doesn’t mean I get to shrug it off. Instead, I use tools:

  • I write important dates down in my phone’s notes.

  • I create jingles and repeat information in sing-songy ways to help me remember key details.

• Grocery Shopping
  I make lists and physically check them off at the store. I keep a pen and sticky notepad in my purse. I try to plan my grocery trips when I have childcare so I don’t get distracted. If my kids are with me, I order groceries for online pickup instead.

• Shared Responsibilities
  I’m not the only one in my home checking emails or managing household logistics. My husband and I share the responsibility of reading for essential information and bringing it to the other person’s attention. We don’t assume the other one has handled something—we act as each other’s backup.

• The Basics

  I use labeled timers on my phone and hit snooze until the task is completed instead of turning it off. I add daily tasks to my calendar and set alerts. I use transparent bins, open shelving and hooks to store items so the things I need are visible. I regularly donate or re-home items we rarely use - less clutter!

Progress Over Perfection

I don’t expect perfection—from myself or anyone else. I try my best, acknowledge the impact I have on others, and make an effort to accommodate both my needs and theirs. Care isn’t about doing things “right” all the time; it’s about showing up with what you have for the well-being of the collective—yourself, your family, and your community.

If we approach our responsibilities with curiosity, compassion, and a willingness to improve, we can shift away from harmful patterns and toward more equitable, supportive relationships.

Let’s be clear and curious, not competitive. Together, we can do better.

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